Our first question: Why?
Patrick Mahomes loves ketchup.
There were a lot of interesting tidbits about the Kansas City Chiefs’ breakout star in a profile of Mahomes from ESPN’s Seth Wickersham. But the quarterback’s affinity for ketchup was the real golden nugget of the piece:
The other day, in Mahomes’ apartment in the Country Club Plaza neighborhood of Kansas City, his grandfather asked him, “What’s it like to be famous?” For one thing, it means he eats less ketchup. He spent most of his life putting ketchup on everything. He would get bottles of it for his birthday. But now that everyone is watching every move he makes, he is sheepish about ordering ketchup. At a restaurant recently, his mom, Randi, recognized an unfilled desire as he dove into a steak. “Just ask for it,” Randi said. “I know you want it.” Patrick wouldn’t. So she asked for the ketchup and slipped it to him.
Apparently it goes beyond steaks too. He even told Yahoo Sports’ Terez Paylor after practice Thursday that he puts it on his macaroni and cheese. Uh … yikes.
The good news for Mahomes is that he has a chance at lots and lots of ketchup:
— Patrick Mahomes II (@PatrickMahomes5) November 15, 2018
Ok, that’s fun. But we have questions. A lot of them:
- How much would Heinz on your steak for life even cost? Can’t be much.
- Even if he has two steaks a week, a $3 bottle of ketchup should last a month or so, right?
- So is this even that great of a deal?
- Does he just get a case per year in perpetuity?
- What if Heinz isn’t even his favorite kind of ketchup?
- What if it only takes a couple years before he’s begging Heinz to stop sending ketchup?
- If Mahomes is seen pouring ketchup on his fries, will Heinz say “HEY WAIT, that’s only for steak!”?
- If Mahomes puts ketchup on steaks and macaroni, is there anything he won’t put it on?
- What if he drenches the whole steak in ketchup?
- What if he full on marinates it in ketchup?
- Is it only regular ketchup, or do alternates apply (e.g. spicy, sweetened with honey, etc)?
- Does he have to ring a bell when he’s about to eat steak?
- Does it have to be Mahomes, or can any QB claim the prize from Heinz if they throw for 57 TDs?
- Not related to Mahomes, but seriously what the hell is Mayochup, and dear God why?
- Should the Chiefs in their next Color Rush game switch their uniform color to Ketchup Red?
- When LaDainian Tomlinson set a record with 31 touchdowns in 2006, why didn’t he get Baskin Robbins for life?
- Mahomes is pacing for 49.6 touchdowns. Would the motivation for ketchup actually make him try to pick up the pace?
- Does Heinz fully appreciate how many damn touchdowns they’re asking for?
- Heinz says his two rushing touchdowns don’t count. WHY DON’T HIS RUSHING TOUCHDOWNS COUNT?
- If Mahomes breaks the single-season touchdown record (55), will he even care about free ketchup?
- Will Andy Reid pay for Mahomes’ ketchup if he rests the starters in Week 17 and doesn’t let Mahomes throw touchdown passes?
- Will Mahomes let Reid have some ketchup if he doesn’t rest him?
- Reid definitely loves ketchup, huh?
- Can Mahomes’ family or relatives or future children eat this ketchup?
- What if his pets want to put steak on their ketchup?
- Are these the squeeze bottles of ketchup or the glass ones?
- Can they not be the glass ones? Those suck and take a lot of effort.
- Actually, the glass bottles could injure our sweet QBs arms. Squeeze bottles or else.
- If these are given out in small packets I’m gonna be so pissed. It can’t be those, right?
- Why is ketchup packaged in such inconvenient forms?
- Hasn’t he been in Kansas City long enough to have learned about barbecue sauce or something by now?
- If Mahomes runs out of ketchup, can he just go into any grocery store and demand free Heinz by showing his ID?
- Will there be a black market for Patrick Mahomes IDs if that’s the case?
- Do you pronounce it to-MAY-to or to-MAH-to?
- Why did the product change from catsup to ketchup?
- Shouldn’t Mahomes get something from Heinz anyway, after throwing for six touchdowns at Heinz Field in Week 2?
- Is Ben Roethlisberger pissed they never offered him ketchup after all these years at Heinz Field?
- Are the Steelers going to try to steal Mahomes’ ketchup?
- What if copious amounts of ketchup are the reason Mahomes sounds like Kermit the Frog?
- Will the Chiefs allow Heinz to do this because it can’t be healthy?
- Does Mahomes know that you can tap the “57” on the glass bottle to get the ketchup out of the bottle faster?
- Why do tomatoes taste so bad, but ketchup tastes so good?
- Ketchup is red. The Chiefs wear red jerseys. Maybe they should partner?
- Wait I just realized Mahomes can eat the ketchup(ed) steak and not worry about stains!
- Is putting ketchup on steak a millennial thing? Do older people do it too?
- Did Mahomes’ receivers lose respect over this ketchup thing?
- Does Mahomes eat the ketchup-laced steak pregame?
- Does this hurt his diet?
- Is Heinz secretly investing in the cardiovascular downfall of Kansas City’s QB?
- Are the Patriots behind this?
- They are, aren’t they?
- Tom Brady doesn’t eat ketchup, does he?
- Is this now called KetchupGate?
- Where is Mahomes going to store all of this ketchup?
- Is Mahomes now forced to date ketchup-lovers?
- Actually, maybe he should find someone who loves him enough to tell him to stop eating steak with ketchup?
Short term investment plans advice